Relational Intelligence
“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. This is true in our personal and in our work lives.”
Esther Perel
What is relational intelligence?
Relational Intelligence is the ability to connect with people and build strong, long-lasting relationships.
It’s knowing how to…
- establish trust,
- tune into people’s needs
- avoid conflict or deal well with disagreements
- establish healthy boundaries
- interact respectfully using ethical intelligence*
- communicate effectively across distances
*Ethical intelligence is being able to manage relationships across cultures, backgrounds, personal experiences, economic realities, different interests, as well as political, religious, or environmental worldviews.
Relational intelligence is different to emotional intelligence. While your emotional intelligence allows you to control your own emotions and navigate the emotions of others, relational intelligence is about staying connected with other people through the challenges that life throws at you. Personal connections can act as a bridge that helps to establish mutual trust to overcome problems.
Why relational intelligence is important
In your personal life
“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.”
~ Brené Brown
Developing individual skills through personal development is great. And there always comes a point where you need to interact with other humans. The realities of these interactions can bring a variety of challenges.
At the same time our neurobiology undeniably shows us that we are wired for connection. We need ways to help us connect and nourish sustainable relationships.
Social neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman presents scientific evidence that shows that our need to connect is even more fundamental than our need for food and water. Our brains are wired to reach out to and interact with others.
His research shows that having social connection is as important to our health as not smoking.
For many people, the absence of human contact during Covid sparked a wave of mental health issues. If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we need each other. Meaningful relationships are important.
Maybe that’s why people with relational intelligence stand out and are generally seen as more likable by others.
Relational intelligence in the workplace
Over the last several years there’s growing anxiety and restlessness in the workplace about how to relate to each other, how we establish boundaries and how we deal with disagreements and breaches of trust.
In the past, relationship skills were always seen as soft skills. Soft skills are traditionally seen as feminine skills. And feminine skills are often “idealised in principle and disregarded in reality”.
However, as the modern workplace continues to evolve and include more diverse cultures, relational intelligence is fast becoming as important as technical skills in the workforce. Building connections and being able to effectively cultivate relationships is becoming more important.
How to develop relational intelligence skills
Growing relational intelligence involves:
- Establishing connection
- Investing the time and energy to understand someone
- Embracing difference – all sorts of difference
- Developing trust – in yourself and others
- Creating meaningful impact
Relational intelligence cannot be faked. You cannot build long term sustainable relationships if you exploit or disrespect people. Essentially it’s about having a positive impact on others.
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