Transitions
Significant transitions begin with an ending and end with a beginning
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
~ Mary Oliver
Transitions are part of life
Like all of life on earth, our human life takes us through various life stages and transitions. Nature cycles through various patterns, like the sprouting of new life, the supporting of vigorous growth, gathering and harvesting, storing the seeds that will yet again sprout new growth when their time comes, and resting.
When times of transition are marked, witnessed and supported, they can form milestones in our lives that say “here I am, this is where I’ve been and this is where I’m headed”. Without the support of these milestones it’s easy to fumble through in a disoriented way and spend longer than needed in an unnecessarily painful process of change.
Change needs support
Whether you are the one effecting a desired change in your life, or life has brought change to your doorstep, one of the critical elements in navigating the process of transition is having enough support. Transitions can be vulnerable times. The change we seek needs support. So does the change-maker.
Because very often there is a comfort zone we have embedded ourselves in that’s being challenged by the transition. A motivating force powers us forward while, at the same time, the gravity of our comfort zone pulls us back. This sense of growth and progress followed by a sense of slipping backwards can be one of the great trials of life.
Support can nurture and sustain our courage through it all.
The process of transition
- There are many kinds of transitions:
- Transitioning into relationship (yes many people struggle with this)
- Transitioning out of relationship
- Changing jobs
- Relocating
- Changing the way you do life
- Stepping into adulthood
- Stepping into manhood
- Stepping into womanhood
- Transitioning out of home and into a different kind of inter-dependence
- Mid-life transition
- Becoming a parent
- Illness
- Losing a loved one
- Losing a way of life
The process of each follows the same pattern: the ending of something, the in-between space in the middle, and the beginning of something new.
The ending can bring grief… or relief… or both. The middle is a liminal space, an in-between state, the chrysalis within which the caterpillar is no longer but the butterfly has not yet formed. And the beginning can be an exciting or a frightening unknown.
Caterpillars do it all the time
The metamorphosis from caterpillar to butterfly is the perfect metaphor for change. It requires going into the unknown. It speaks to the phase of change that happens in the darkness if you will. A bit like the hero’s journey. From outside the chrysalis, it looks as if the caterpillar may just be resting, but inside of the chrysalis, the caterpillar is rapidly changing. The caterpillar’s old body is undergoing a ‘metamorphosis,’ to become the butterfly body that will emerge.
Being in the in-between space of no longer and not yet, in the chrysalis, is a rite of passage. It is a state of complete unknown. It is also necessary for the beginnings of new life to emerge. And the new cannot be forced into being before it is ready. A butterfly cannot be helped out of its chrysalis. The struggle and tussle it goes through in its attempt to squeeze out of its cocoon pushes needed fluid into its wings. Without that process the butterfly will not have the strength and resilience to be in the world. It will not be able to fly.
It can be easy to lose sight of the new beginning while in the primordial soup of the metamorphosis. Which is why it’s helpful to have someone else hold that vision for you as you transition.
Rituals and rites of passage
Back when humans lived in traditional earth-based cultures, the phases and stages of our lives were marked by rituals and initiations, practices that were strongly supported by nature. We’ve largely lost those practices in the West, and with them the natural and rhythmic opportunities to face ourselves … bare and unprotected.
I believe we still need to initiate ourselves though. It’s a human imperative to grow into our wholeness. Girls are destined to become women, boys to become men. And children and teenagers are destined to become adults. This doesn’t happen simply by growing into an adult-sized body. In the absence of traditional initiations we’ve ended up with women who have no idea how to be women, men who have no idea how to be men, and a general population that has no idea how to be adults. And it shows. Look at relationship breakdown statistics. Look at politics.
There are modern rites of passage. They require a deep longing and willingness. Because in becoming the woman or the man or the person we know is in us, we must let a part of us die. And that’s not easy. But it’s very rewarding. And with the right support it doesn’t have to be so scary.
Meeting yourself
We are facing extraordinary times. Our delicate ecosphere is teetering on the brink of chaos. Our privileges and freedoms are crumbling. Our ideas of being in control are being confronted and shown to be fallacy. I believe we are in a natural, rhythmic rite of passage in our world right now. How will we collectively meet it and mark it? How will you meet it and mark it?